Break-ups/Make-ups– History of the Longest Broken Record

Now, I think we have all been there. Unless you’ve been extremely logical your entire life, you at least know someone who has been there. But, we form a relationship with someone, it wasn’t ever really that good, they treat you so awful but we continue to go back to them. Why is that??

I had a boyfriend (if you want to call it that) where we were more off than on. He broke my heart in every way imaginable–crushing my self-esteem and idea of ever being loved. We started off good friends and then he wanted more and I was hesitant but he persisted and then he got me and then he didn’t want me. That cycle continued for two years. YEARS GUYS. Ridiculous. Anyway, I knew he was wrong for me. I knew it was never going to work when he would beg and plea I give him another chance. There moments where I felt weak and just wanted to return back to the time we were just good friends. Women always want to be friends right away because we don’t want to lose some sort of connection, it’s stupid. But yes, I just kept returning to him. I would spend months LOATHING him and then just forgive and let go. I made so many excuses: “it’s not good to have anger in your heart,” “I just want things to be back to normal,” “He’s got issues and needs help.”  The last one is actually true, but that isn’t the point and I certainly couldn’t be the one to help him.

 I don’t know why I kept going back to him. It wasn’t like he was devishly handsome, the smartest cookie, or the only guy to ever like me. But “he was different.” (insert puking noise). He was the first guy to ever actively pursue me. He was the first guy that told me that he thought I was “super pretty” and be willing to be called my boyfriend during one of the times we got back together. I guess I just felt I couldn’t do better. I thought that if he could just realize that I am perfect for him and we could grow up together, it would be magical. He promised me that the first time he confessed his feelings for me. He promised me that it would work. What a crock of shit! But hindsight is always 20/20. And with my new vision, I finally learned that nothing would ever change, moved on, and met the most wonderful boyfriend a girl could dream of. (Hint: It’s Nels)

The reason this comes up is because I’m talking to a friend who for the UMPTEENTH time of getting mauled by some bitch and still hasn’t learned his lesson. I don’t fucking get it! But I do. Does that make sense? I’m hoping so. There is nothing about this girl that is special. She doesn’t even live here! Are you kidding me!? She’s awful to him and it controls his life to the point where he falls apart and ends up dismissing his friends who truly love him. BUT, I have been there. I didn’t dismiss my friends, I needed them. But I know they were tired as shit of me crying all the time and not wanting to help myself. And just like me, my friend isn’t stupid. He knows! He knows the ending to all these cycles are going to be total shit and I do get frustrated, but I can’t because I’ve been him and I need to realize that just like me again, he needs to make the decision on his own. Now, he’s been doing this dance for much longer than I ever did, but that is just a minor detail.

I just wonder why people ever deal with this shit the way they do? I mean, even going through it, I couldn’t give you a solid, justified explanation to why I put up with half the shit I ever did. Young and naive? Low self-esteem? Feeling a connection that is only real for a minimal amount of time and creating it much larger in our heads and hearts than it is? Thinking that life really doesn’t go on and we’ll never do better? Well, I am here to tell you, grow up. You are amazing. If it wasn’t good from the start, It never will be and you can find the Nels of your life if you just keep your head up and realize your self worth and have some self respect. All that time you’re spending going in circles with that douchebag is time that you could be spending doing something positive for yourself. And the second you make that decision and don’t look back, the sooner it will happen. TRUST ME.

ALSO! Attention douchebags dragging us along: What the hell is your problem?? You obviously don’t like us, don’t say that you just want to make sure we all still stay friends, and stop relying on our attention to temporarily feed your ego. Get a life and leave us alone! Bitch.

A world without soulmates

“To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.”- Criss Jammi

 

 

So I just started this thing yesterday and my first entry was about Love at First Sight. I told my friend Jessica about it and she said ” I love hearing other people’s thoughts on this subject, what do you think about soulmates?”

What do I think about soulmates? Well, I think they exist in many forms. Again, the romantic comes out in me. But I do. Nels doesn’t. But I suppose to believe in soulmates you must believe in predestiny and I know he doesn’t believe in that either. The times it has come up, he just says that he thinks we love each other and that is why we’re together and there is no greater reasoning behind it. I, however, believe that he was meant for me. Not to say that we only have one single soul-mate. Which I guess dismisses the point, but I have lots. I have soul-sisters and soul-brothers. My friends who all came from different places have formed together and in our weirdness we have all fell in love. I consider them my soulmates. We are all so different–growing up in different homes, having different relationships, different styles, but somehow, we are all the same and we all managed to find each other in this big,big world. If that isn’t a soulmate, what is?

A lover soulmate? I have one of those too. I think Nels and I are perfect. Even in our differences (and there are MANY) we find so much comfort and love from one another.  It’s beautiful. We understand each other, and when we don’t, we work on it. We don’t just listen, we hear. He’s my bestfriend. And I think he came at the perfect time in my life. It certainly was meant to be. And I don’t care what he says, we’re soul mates dammit!

 

I think soulmates are someone you feel connected to. Like a kindred spirit. Someone you have a special bond with that is unexplainable and it just works. And for some reason or another, you’re unconditionally devoted to that person and you have no other choice or option other than to love them with all you have and be there.  It doesn’t mean we don’t work on our relationships with each other or that we always get along and agree. I just think that we have all managed to be magnetized to each other. It would be silly to think that we don’t have people that are meant to find us and us find them. Maybe not silly, but the idea of a world without soul mates would definitely be no fun.

Love at first sight: Fact or Fiction?

I am a hopeless romantic and have no shame in it. Even to the cynics I say that with love, everything is possible. My heart has been broken, I have been “played”, I’ve been cheated on and lied to and strung on and all of the horrible things people go through but I have never lost the belief that love is one of the greatest things to live for and it’s all just a road to meeting the one who is willing to put up with our shenangians, and us theirs.

But love at first sight? That’s tough. I no longer associate it with a form of some romantic fairytale because if you dissect it, Love at First Sight= Falling in love with purely the way they look. I realize that being attracted to someone is the first intial key player, but I believe in growing in love more.

However, If you asked me a few years ago, I would have said “ABSOLUTELY.” I experienced it with my first real boyfriend, David. I saw him one day in a crowd of people and was infatuated, almost like being star-struck. I would see him everywhere after that, even by my house!! (His girlfriend at the time lived dangerously close to me). And I loved him. I dreamt him up. I imagined him to be all these things to the point where I was scared to ever meet him for the fear he was someone completely different. And you know what, he wasn’t. He was exactly who I thought he would be. It was because of him I decided to join Play Production to be closer to him (my friends were in the class too, I’m not SOOOO creepy). And we would talk here and there, but it wasn’t until after his girlfriend dumped him mercilessly that we would develop a strong relationship. We dated for a couple years (looking back I don’t even know if you can call it dating but I suppose it was pretty damn close), and I did, I loved him. My 16, 17 and 18 year old self really loved him. But even in my la-la land, I never thought about a future with him. Being so young, I knew that I would have many more loves and he was just the first. Anyway, he ended up dumping me (but not really because he never actually did it and just said he would call me back one day and it’s been….7 years). Oh well. You win some, you lose some. And just for another tangent, I wasn’t really upset about it. I mean, I guess it hurt me that he couldn’t give me the respect after everything we had gone through, but I wasn’t crushed. It just was what it was. I guess even though I fell in love with him after first glance, it was puppy love? A love that started off purely superficially? I didn’t know much about it. I just knew that I had to have him, and I did, and then I didn’t.

Moving forward a couple years, I definitely still believed in love at first sight. Hey, why not? Some people live by it. But, with the boyfriend I have now, Nels, I would say it was quite the opposite. We definitely fell in love, but that’s just it, we fell into it. We were prompted to be set up a few months before we actually met and I couldn’t have been less interested, he would tell you the same. We were both in different places in our lives and if you ask me, it wouldn’t have worked. But, we met, we were weirded out by each other (me being extremely loud and him being concerningly quiet.) He thought I was obnoxious, and I thought he was old. But, he walked me to my car that night, and I don’t know– something interested me. I didn’t really think about it too much, but I think I thought he was cool enough that I wouldn’t mind seeing him again. He added me on every social network site that same night and messaged me as soon as I got home asking if I was safe. Normally, I’d be creeped out by this, but it was ok with him. He would throw crude jokes at me for a week (which with anyone else would REALLY turn me off) and eventually, we’d decide to go to a friends concert. Now, Nels was trying to bail (which I would learn is very like him) and I just REALLYYYYY wanted him to go. It was so strange. I guess it was at that moment that I realized that I definitely liked his attention and wanted more of it. I convinced him to come and he asked if I wanted to go back to his place, something I’ve never done with anyone. I did though, and he came on extremely strong and I didn’t mind it. All of these don’t add up if you knew me, but it felt right. And I guess the rest is what it is, its love. It wasn’t at first sight, but it’s more real than I have ever dreamt. It is certainly more real than the times I have experienced it at first sight. It’s the strongest I’ve ever felt for someone, and the first time I saw a long future.

 

I guess I took a really long road to get to a short point, which will happen A LOT (most likely every time), but love at first sight– to me, fact. But it doesn’t make it significant. It doesn’t make it more tangible or worthy or better. I do think it’s based a lot on what’s on the outside and not so much on the inside (sidenote: my boyfriend happens to be UBER sexy on the outside, but that’s not the point) and I definitely think it happens. But for me, I am particularly biased to “Love after a Couple Weeks” sight.