No One is Forgotten

 

“I always get forgotten!”- Friend

Ever since I got a full-time job, I’ve felt so disconnected from my group of friends. We used to do everything together. And they still did, but I was on a curfew so I got left out a lot. It would really hurt my feelings. I would have a breakdown about it to Nels at least once a month. He would remind me that it was just a part of growing up and that sooner or later, we all have to face that we don’t have the time we used to and that things do change. I didn’t want to believe it. I don’t know what I thought to be honest. Most times I felt it was personal and I would be very sad that I so often was on the forgotten list. Deep down I know that wasn’t the case but I couldn’t help but be angry that everyone was hanging out without me and I didn’t even get an invite– even if I wasn’t able to attend. I would get mad and say “Hey! Why don’t you call me any more??” and then it was Matt who said to me “You are the one that’s always busy”…

It’s true. My work life really took over and I realized that no one was on my page. Everyone is busy and doing their own things that matter to them but I was on a certain schedule. I work five days a week, 10 hours a day and a lot of time have after work events that I have to attend for networking purposes. I was the one who was busy. It wasn’t so much that everyone was hanging out withOUT me– it was that I was the one living a life without them. And now, a lot of them are starting full-time jobs themselves or are in serious relationships that take up their time or both! Everything is changing but even though I felt alone, I clearly haven’t been because several friends of mine have talked to me about how disconnected they feel themselves. It was such a relief!

We are all growing up and we are chasing after our dreams and we don’t hang out like we used to. Most of us have early mornings and late nights and it’s hard to find that in between time to go to the park and lay around for a while. I miss that a lot. The laying around on a sunny afternoon and figuring out how we were all going to spend our evening. There was never any pressure on what we were going to do or what time because we all had the same schedule. Now, we’re spread all over the city, leading different lives but all trying to figure out how to fit each other in and I realize now that each of us feel forgotten and it’s not that everyone is hanging out with us but none of us are hanging out with each other.

Nels is right– things do change as we grow up. Instead of accepting that, we all jump to the conclusion of being forgotten when we’re merely just moving forward with our lives. At least we all make a conscious effort to get together when we can and the beauty of all of us being full-time worker-bees is that it now gives us the opportunity to chat it up online. It makes me feel involved in lives that I had thought moved on without me. I think I take the most comfort in knowing that with all the change, really good friends still stay on the same page.

I just need to write

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at typewriter and bleed.”
― Ernest Hemingway

I don’t know how I am continuously finding myself in this cycle I call a “rut.” I have so much to say but I don’t. Mainly because I think I put too much pressure on myself to constantly create something beautiful. I compare myself to others around me who are so talented and creative and I wish that I was like them. I get jealous and insecure and I tell myself that I am going to do it! I’m going to sit and write and have something to be proud of. But.. where to start…

I seem to go through this every couple months where I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and know that I’m not doing what I should. I want to write. I know this. I’ve known it. But I’m not doing it. I don’t want to be one of those people that get stuck at a company because of security and complain about never having the time do what they are passionate about. I’m tired of making excuses on why I don’t pursue them. Sure, I’m exhausted after a long day (and long commute), but that’s no excuse.  Yes, when I get home I just want to unwind but what better way to unwind then sit down with my trustee digital notebook and share my thoughts. Absolutely the last thing I want to do is look at a computer after being on one for 10 hours, but I need to. For my health. For my sanity. For my identity.

I look at my higher ups who are wonderful human beings but I can see that they struggle with their personal life, or lack of one. They miss time with their children, spouses, friends, family. Their life seems to slip away by hands of a clock and a time stamp. I refuse that to be me (no offense). Hard work pays off and it can be so rewarding when you are doing what you were meant to do and most of all what you love to do. And although I am really lucky with the job I have and have met so many wonderful people because of it, I owe it to myself to do more.

I must do this. I must maintain. Hold me to it, imaginary readers. Hold me to these promises that I make to myself because those are the ones that hurt the most when broken. I am only letting myself down by not opening myself up to a world that I deserve by not following my passions. I am doing this.

Tomorrow is a new day and a better day and I will return but not only that, I will write. Even if I only writing about writing.