Blips

by yamanisha

I feel like I lost myself sorta recently. Not completely and it wasn’t a bad thing, but it wasn’t a good thing either. I had worked so hard to get to a place where I was okay with just myself, and then it was like, I wasn’t anymore. And I’ve been feeling that way for months.

What I really want to hold onto is that that hasn’t changed. I am okay by myself. After all, I have a great family, amazing friends, I work for my favorite company, and I have done a lot in my life. But sometimes, I get lost. I seek validation. I want assurance and acceptance. Compliments. I want someone to tell me that I’m great and I’m worth it. And I want them to mean it.

I have been the most insecure I have ever been in my entire life which honestly, says a lot because it’s not like I was ever this totally confident person. I’ve always had self doubt and struggled with feeling pretty or smart or desirable. But this insecurity feels deep rooted. I know that it’s because of everything that has happened over the last year and I hate constantly going back to that, but damn, I really am changed from it. And in sooo many ways I am changed for the good. I am stronger and less likely to take someone’s shit and I stand up for the things and people I believe in. But, at the same time, I feel so paranoid. Like I don’t know anyone or anything, even when I do. I hate it.

I’ve always wanted walls, you know? I wanted to be mysterious and hard to reach and interesting. But I’m so fucking bad at it. I let people in almost immediately. I share my life story and hear their life stories and I get super attached. And sometimes I get really hurt and betrayed but I would say for the most part, it’s totally worth it. But now, I feel like I do have walls but instead of the mysterious kind, it is the totally paranoid, crazy kind. And I hate it. It’s awful.

And that’s why I need to remind myself that I am who I am and that everything is fine. Life’s happening, is all. And it’s going to keep on happening until this part of it isn’t any more and I can move on to the next thing that will stress me out pretty soon. These are all just small blips in the big picture.

Yep. Just small blips.