Long time no see

by yamanisha

It’s been a really long time since I’ve logged on here. So much has happened. I’m pretty much a different person, if I’m being totally honest. Although it was a really rough ride, and there was a strong point where I really thought nothing could ever be good again, it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.

In the last year, I learned so many lessons about life, love, family, people. There are people who have exited my life and amazing people who I can’t believe haven’t been here the whole time. I don’t want to sound too preachy but I do feel enlightened.

The biggest lesson that I learned was that I really know nothing about anything. Sure, I have gained experience over the years and have set my own moral boundaries but life– man, I really know nothing. I had put my all my eggs in one basket of life and it’s crazy in how 365 days later, I’m in a place I never ever knew was an option. And a good one! It kind of makes me question everything. Certainty. What is that even? Is anything absolutely certain? I don’t think so. And it’s totally possible that in another year, I’ll feel the opposite. WHO KNOWS!? THAT IS THE QUESTION. Because, Everything is possible. And that actually sounds nice when I write it down like this. Everything is possible– positive, uplifting, encouraging. But then I have parts of my brain that go “Everything is possible” and I think about everything that could possibly go wrong. I hate that part. Maybe you can’t have one part without the other? It’s all hard, you know? It’s so hard to accept that you just have no idea if you’re going to feel like total and complete shit again in your life. Although, I’m quite certain that I will. Maybe even worse. Probably worse, actually. And all I can do is train for it. I guess that’s what’s happening now.

I get these daily “Notes from The Universe” emails. They are quite nice. A good way to start each day for sure. But one of them said just that. “There is nothing that happens to you that you weren’t ready for” or something like that. It was a while ago. Any way, I suppose that’s true.

The reason I am writing this now is because I really want to remember this feeling. I had a really wonderful couple of days with someone who, if my basket full of eggs had panned out, I wouldn’t even know. And I feel really lucky to know this person so I guess I’m kind of glad some of the pieces that made up Manisha of 2014 had been shattered. I feel like that needed to happen because it allows new pieces to come in. Ones you didn’t even know you wanted. And I feel very happy. And I want to remember this. Because I know that insecurity will eventually set in and I’ll feel forgotten. My biggest fear. Forgotten and replaced.

I’ve always struggled with out of sight, out of mind but this is the first time that I really feel like I shouldn’t and I can’t help it and I feel like I’m destroying it when I’m far away from it with my lack of confidence. And I know why this is happening. Because last year, I was replaced when I was promised that I never would be. And I feel like a fucking fool.  I feel so dumb to have trusted that. And I know it’s not my fault but it really has fucked me up. And now, I’m so afraid of that again, that I have lost sight of who I am and why I do deserve to be happy. And that’s why I need to remember this. Remember that the last two days were wonderful. That I felt really connected to someone very special and they think I’m special too. I don’t know why that’s so hard for me to believe. That this person could like me so much. But I guess they do and I need to stop being so crazy.

This moment is good. The last two days were great. I had so much fun. And there was a time that I felt like couldn’t have this again. This last one really broke me down. To a place I had never been before. It was true, true heartbreak. Mostly because I felt so betrayed. The most betrayed I think I ever have. And because of that, I was able to meet someone really awesome. AND! This person gets the version of myself that worked through hard pain. It’s a version that felt so much defeat but kept going. That wanted to go to sleep and never wake up but always did. I was brave. You really never know the strength you have until you have no choice but to face it. (I Know, preachy again, I’m sorry.) But this person gets the person that overcame this! And a lot more, too! And it’s a version I’m proud of. I like this version a lot actually. And I could never say that about myself before. And this is the feeling I need to hold onto. The reward of pushing passed the shit. And moving forward, and I know it’s going to be rough at times, but I have to remind myself that everything is good. This weekend was the reassurance I needed to see and I’m really glad I did. Not just for the romance. But because it reminded me that last year sucked dick but I really learned to make myself happy. And I can’t ever lose that.

And that’s why I’m here. And why I can’t let another year go by until I write again. And even though I always say that, and I always fall off the wagon and I get lazy, I NEED to at least write my blog. Even if it’s only for 5 minutes. Ok?

Good. I welcome myself back.