Ready.

by yamanisha

Self esteem is really hard. Especially when you’ve seriously lost it at some point.

I don’t think I’ve struggled with anything as hard as I have with trust and self confidence in the last year. Everything I thought I ever knew fell apart before my eyes and it has made me question everything. And it’s honestly horrible. It will eventually push me so far away from myself that it will start to push me away from the people that mean most to me.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been so anti-social lately. I’m just struggling with feeling like myself because I don’t feel like I can trust anything. But that is not true. Just because one person let me down does not mean that it will happen again. And if it does happen again, it does not mean it’s the end for everyone else. I need to hold onto the truths that I have. Even though it is really hard.

It is especially hard to talk yourself in and out of feeling so scared that you are going to be hurt again that you let it consume you to the point of sabotage. I’m only hurting myself more by getting into my head and coming up with ridiculous thoughts. I am constantly expecting the worst because I don’t ever want to be blind-sided by it again. But I cannot control that. That could happen again. It could happen another 10 more times. And there is nothing I can do about it except continuing to just be true to myself.

I need to stop relying on others to grant me the security I have lost. I need to remember that I need to treat others with unconditional love and kindness because that is part of who I am. And with that comes the territory of getting hurt. I need to accept that. I need to be ok with what will come. I just need to trust. I need to trust the people I have let into my life. Especially those who have given me no reason not to trust them. I need to get back to rationality. In a big way. This is not just talk. This has to be action. I’m promising right now that it will be. No more slip ups. I need to get back to who I was and not this insecure, paranoid person. I really do not like this version of me and it’s time for an upgrade.

This is it. I am ready.