Ready.

Self esteem is really hard. Especially when you’ve seriously lost it at some point.

I don’t think I’ve struggled with anything as hard as I have with trust and self confidence in the last year. Everything I thought I ever knew fell apart before my eyes and it has made me question everything. And it’s honestly horrible. It will eventually push me so far away from myself that it will start to push me away from the people that mean most to me.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been so anti-social lately. I’m just struggling with feeling like myself because I don’t feel like I can trust anything. But that is not true. Just because one person let me down does not mean that it will happen again. And if it does happen again, it does not mean it’s the end for everyone else. I need to hold onto the truths that I have. Even though it is really hard.

It is especially hard to talk yourself in and out of feeling so scared that you are going to be hurt again that you let it consume you to the point of sabotage. I’m only hurting myself more by getting into my head and coming up with ridiculous thoughts. I am constantly expecting the worst because I don’t ever want to be blind-sided by it again. But I cannot control that. That could happen again. It could happen another 10 more times. And there is nothing I can do about it except continuing to just be true to myself.

I need to stop relying on others to grant me the security I have lost. I need to remember that I need to treat others with unconditional love and kindness because that is part of who I am. And with that comes the territory of getting hurt. I need to accept that. I need to be ok with what will come. I just need to trust. I need to trust the people I have let into my life. Especially those who have given me no reason not to trust them. I need to get back to rationality. In a big way. This is not just talk. This has to be action. I’m promising right now that it will be. No more slip ups. I need to get back to who I was and not this insecure, paranoid person. I really do not like this version of me and it’s time for an upgrade.

This is it. I am ready.

Blips

I feel like I lost myself sorta recently. Not completely and it wasn’t a bad thing, but it wasn’t a good thing either. I had worked so hard to get to a place where I was okay with just myself, and then it was like, I wasn’t anymore. And I’ve been feeling that way for months.

What I really want to hold onto is that that hasn’t changed. I am okay by myself. After all, I have a great family, amazing friends, I work for my favorite company, and I have done a lot in my life. But sometimes, I get lost. I seek validation. I want assurance and acceptance. Compliments. I want someone to tell me that I’m great and I’m worth it. And I want them to mean it.

I have been the most insecure I have ever been in my entire life which honestly, says a lot because it’s not like I was ever this totally confident person. I’ve always had self doubt and struggled with feeling pretty or smart or desirable. But this insecurity feels deep rooted. I know that it’s because of everything that has happened over the last year and I hate constantly going back to that, but damn, I really am changed from it. And in sooo many ways I am changed for the good. I am stronger and less likely to take someone’s shit and I stand up for the things and people I believe in. But, at the same time, I feel so paranoid. Like I don’t know anyone or anything, even when I do. I hate it.

I’ve always wanted walls, you know? I wanted to be mysterious and hard to reach and interesting. But I’m so fucking bad at it. I let people in almost immediately. I share my life story and hear their life stories and I get super attached. And sometimes I get really hurt and betrayed but I would say for the most part, it’s totally worth it. But now, I feel like I do have walls but instead of the mysterious kind, it is the totally paranoid, crazy kind. And I hate it. It’s awful.

And that’s why I need to remind myself that I am who I am and that everything is fine. Life’s happening, is all. And it’s going to keep on happening until this part of it isn’t any more and I can move on to the next thing that will stress me out pretty soon. These are all just small blips in the big picture.

Yep. Just small blips.

I’m doing it!

Day 2! Yay!

Today I wrote down a bunch of topics that I was going to write about to give myself motivation to write for the week. Now, I’m sitting here, and I don’t really feel like writing about any of those things.

I’ve been kind of anti-social lately. Anti-social to me is probably still extremely social but I’ve just been having the desire to spend a lot of time alone. Nothing’s wrong. I’m pretty happy, actually. I’m still feeling good from yesterday. I had a good day. Everything is good. Just doing nothing by myself sounded really nice tonight. And potentially tomorrow.

I used to HATE being alone. Even when I was alone at home, I was talking on the phone. I was so dependent on human interaction. I still love it, don’t get me wrong. It’s always great to spend time with the people you love. Especially because quality time is something I hold to be so valuable. But now I also feel okay with just being by myself. I kinda love it. I don’t mean for it to be offensive or anything, I still love everyone obviously, but sometimes I literally want to be the laziest version of myself and I want to do it by myself. I want to get in my pajamas, get into bed and do a rotation of Season 5 of Friends, Season 6 of Scrubs and Season 3 of The Office. It feels good to feel happy by myself. I feel like I accomplished something with that.

I know i can’t get too crazy with this. I still need to do stuff. I need to go out and travel and explore. And I will. I could do it more so that’s something I’ll officially start working on.

Maybe it’s part of getting older. You start to value different types of things and situations. And I feel like it is something valuable to be with yourself and to enjoy it. As the great RuPaul says “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?– can I get an AMEN?”

Amen, Ru!

But, seriously. It’s important and I’m sorta, kinda proud of myself. I hope this doesn’t come off weird. I think I’m just still carrying positive residue from the last few days. I promise to try to write something more brooding tomorrow. One of the topics, perhaps!

Anyway. Lesson of the day: It’s cool to hang out by yourself now, but don’t forget to adventure.

Long time no see

It’s been a really long time since I’ve logged on here. So much has happened. I’m pretty much a different person, if I’m being totally honest. Although it was a really rough ride, and there was a strong point where I really thought nothing could ever be good again, it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.

In the last year, I learned so many lessons about life, love, family, people. There are people who have exited my life and amazing people who I can’t believe haven’t been here the whole time. I don’t want to sound too preachy but I do feel enlightened.

The biggest lesson that I learned was that I really know nothing about anything. Sure, I have gained experience over the years and have set my own moral boundaries but life– man, I really know nothing. I had put my all my eggs in one basket of life and it’s crazy in how 365 days later, I’m in a place I never ever knew was an option. And a good one! It kind of makes me question everything. Certainty. What is that even? Is anything absolutely certain? I don’t think so. And it’s totally possible that in another year, I’ll feel the opposite. WHO KNOWS!? THAT IS THE QUESTION. Because, Everything is possible. And that actually sounds nice when I write it down like this. Everything is possible– positive, uplifting, encouraging. But then I have parts of my brain that go “Everything is possible” and I think about everything that could possibly go wrong. I hate that part. Maybe you can’t have one part without the other? It’s all hard, you know? It’s so hard to accept that you just have no idea if you’re going to feel like total and complete shit again in your life. Although, I’m quite certain that I will. Maybe even worse. Probably worse, actually. And all I can do is train for it. I guess that’s what’s happening now.

I get these daily “Notes from The Universe” emails. They are quite nice. A good way to start each day for sure. But one of them said just that. “There is nothing that happens to you that you weren’t ready for” or something like that. It was a while ago. Any way, I suppose that’s true.

The reason I am writing this now is because I really want to remember this feeling. I had a really wonderful couple of days with someone who, if my basket full of eggs had panned out, I wouldn’t even know. And I feel really lucky to know this person so I guess I’m kind of glad some of the pieces that made up Manisha of 2014 had been shattered. I feel like that needed to happen because it allows new pieces to come in. Ones you didn’t even know you wanted. And I feel very happy. And I want to remember this. Because I know that insecurity will eventually set in and I’ll feel forgotten. My biggest fear. Forgotten and replaced.

I’ve always struggled with out of sight, out of mind but this is the first time that I really feel like I shouldn’t and I can’t help it and I feel like I’m destroying it when I’m far away from it with my lack of confidence. And I know why this is happening. Because last year, I was replaced when I was promised that I never would be. And I feel like a fucking fool.  I feel so dumb to have trusted that. And I know it’s not my fault but it really has fucked me up. And now, I’m so afraid of that again, that I have lost sight of who I am and why I do deserve to be happy. And that’s why I need to remember this. Remember that the last two days were wonderful. That I felt really connected to someone very special and they think I’m special too. I don’t know why that’s so hard for me to believe. That this person could like me so much. But I guess they do and I need to stop being so crazy.

This moment is good. The last two days were great. I had so much fun. And there was a time that I felt like couldn’t have this again. This last one really broke me down. To a place I had never been before. It was true, true heartbreak. Mostly because I felt so betrayed. The most betrayed I think I ever have. And because of that, I was able to meet someone really awesome. AND! This person gets the version of myself that worked through hard pain. It’s a version that felt so much defeat but kept going. That wanted to go to sleep and never wake up but always did. I was brave. You really never know the strength you have until you have no choice but to face it. (I Know, preachy again, I’m sorry.) But this person gets the person that overcame this! And a lot more, too! And it’s a version I’m proud of. I like this version a lot actually. And I could never say that about myself before. And this is the feeling I need to hold onto. The reward of pushing passed the shit. And moving forward, and I know it’s going to be rough at times, but I have to remind myself that everything is good. This weekend was the reassurance I needed to see and I’m really glad I did. Not just for the romance. But because it reminded me that last year sucked dick but I really learned to make myself happy. And I can’t ever lose that.

And that’s why I’m here. And why I can’t let another year go by until I write again. And even though I always say that, and I always fall off the wagon and I get lazy, I NEED to at least write my blog. Even if it’s only for 5 minutes. Ok?

Good. I welcome myself back.