Ready.

Self esteem is really hard. Especially when you’ve seriously lost it at some point.

I don’t think I’ve struggled with anything as hard as I have with trust and self confidence in the last year. Everything I thought I ever knew fell apart before my eyes and it has made me question everything. And it’s honestly horrible. It will eventually push me so far away from myself that it will start to push me away from the people that mean most to me.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been so anti-social lately. I’m just struggling with feeling like myself because I don’t feel like I can trust anything. But that is not true. Just because one person let me down does not mean that it will happen again. And if it does happen again, it does not mean it’s the end for everyone else. I need to hold onto the truths that I have. Even though it is really hard.

It is especially hard to talk yourself in and out of feeling so scared that you are going to be hurt again that you let it consume you to the point of sabotage. I’m only hurting myself more by getting into my head and coming up with ridiculous thoughts. I am constantly expecting the worst because I don’t ever want to be blind-sided by it again. But I cannot control that. That could happen again. It could happen another 10 more times. And there is nothing I can do about it except continuing to just be true to myself.

I need to stop relying on others to grant me the security I have lost. I need to remember that I need to treat others with unconditional love and kindness because that is part of who I am. And with that comes the territory of getting hurt. I need to accept that. I need to be ok with what will come. I just need to trust. I need to trust the people I have let into my life. Especially those who have given me no reason not to trust them. I need to get back to rationality. In a big way. This is not just talk. This has to be action. I’m promising right now that it will be. No more slip ups. I need to get back to who I was and not this insecure, paranoid person. I really do not like this version of me and it’s time for an upgrade.

This is it. I am ready.

Blips

I feel like I lost myself sorta recently. Not completely and it wasn’t a bad thing, but it wasn’t a good thing either. I had worked so hard to get to a place where I was okay with just myself, and then it was like, I wasn’t anymore. And I’ve been feeling that way for months.

What I really want to hold onto is that that hasn’t changed. I am okay by myself. After all, I have a great family, amazing friends, I work for my favorite company, and I have done a lot in my life. But sometimes, I get lost. I seek validation. I want assurance and acceptance. Compliments. I want someone to tell me that I’m great and I’m worth it. And I want them to mean it.

I have been the most insecure I have ever been in my entire life which honestly, says a lot because it’s not like I was ever this totally confident person. I’ve always had self doubt and struggled with feeling pretty or smart or desirable. But this insecurity feels deep rooted. I know that it’s because of everything that has happened over the last year and I hate constantly going back to that, but damn, I really am changed from it. And in sooo many ways I am changed for the good. I am stronger and less likely to take someone’s shit and I stand up for the things and people I believe in. But, at the same time, I feel so paranoid. Like I don’t know anyone or anything, even when I do. I hate it.

I’ve always wanted walls, you know? I wanted to be mysterious and hard to reach and interesting. But I’m so fucking bad at it. I let people in almost immediately. I share my life story and hear their life stories and I get super attached. And sometimes I get really hurt and betrayed but I would say for the most part, it’s totally worth it. But now, I feel like I do have walls but instead of the mysterious kind, it is the totally paranoid, crazy kind. And I hate it. It’s awful.

And that’s why I need to remind myself that I am who I am and that everything is fine. Life’s happening, is all. And it’s going to keep on happening until this part of it isn’t any more and I can move on to the next thing that will stress me out pretty soon. These are all just small blips in the big picture.

Yep. Just small blips.

I’m doing it!

Day 2! Yay!

Today I wrote down a bunch of topics that I was going to write about to give myself motivation to write for the week. Now, I’m sitting here, and I don’t really feel like writing about any of those things.

I’ve been kind of anti-social lately. Anti-social to me is probably still extremely social but I’ve just been having the desire to spend a lot of time alone. Nothing’s wrong. I’m pretty happy, actually. I’m still feeling good from yesterday. I had a good day. Everything is good. Just doing nothing by myself sounded really nice tonight. And potentially tomorrow.

I used to HATE being alone. Even when I was alone at home, I was talking on the phone. I was so dependent on human interaction. I still love it, don’t get me wrong. It’s always great to spend time with the people you love. Especially because quality time is something I hold to be so valuable. But now I also feel okay with just being by myself. I kinda love it. I don’t mean for it to be offensive or anything, I still love everyone obviously, but sometimes I literally want to be the laziest version of myself and I want to do it by myself. I want to get in my pajamas, get into bed and do a rotation of Season 5 of Friends, Season 6 of Scrubs and Season 3 of The Office. It feels good to feel happy by myself. I feel like I accomplished something with that.

I know i can’t get too crazy with this. I still need to do stuff. I need to go out and travel and explore. And I will. I could do it more so that’s something I’ll officially start working on.

Maybe it’s part of getting older. You start to value different types of things and situations. And I feel like it is something valuable to be with yourself and to enjoy it. As the great RuPaul says “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?– can I get an AMEN?”

Amen, Ru!

But, seriously. It’s important and I’m sorta, kinda proud of myself. I hope this doesn’t come off weird. I think I’m just still carrying positive residue from the last few days. I promise to try to write something more brooding tomorrow. One of the topics, perhaps!

Anyway. Lesson of the day: It’s cool to hang out by yourself now, but don’t forget to adventure.

Long time no see

It’s been a really long time since I’ve logged on here. So much has happened. I’m pretty much a different person, if I’m being totally honest. Although it was a really rough ride, and there was a strong point where I really thought nothing could ever be good again, it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me.

In the last year, I learned so many lessons about life, love, family, people. There are people who have exited my life and amazing people who I can’t believe haven’t been here the whole time. I don’t want to sound too preachy but I do feel enlightened.

The biggest lesson that I learned was that I really know nothing about anything. Sure, I have gained experience over the years and have set my own moral boundaries but life– man, I really know nothing. I had put my all my eggs in one basket of life and it’s crazy in how 365 days later, I’m in a place I never ever knew was an option. And a good one! It kind of makes me question everything. Certainty. What is that even? Is anything absolutely certain? I don’t think so. And it’s totally possible that in another year, I’ll feel the opposite. WHO KNOWS!? THAT IS THE QUESTION. Because, Everything is possible. And that actually sounds nice when I write it down like this. Everything is possible– positive, uplifting, encouraging. But then I have parts of my brain that go “Everything is possible” and I think about everything that could possibly go wrong. I hate that part. Maybe you can’t have one part without the other? It’s all hard, you know? It’s so hard to accept that you just have no idea if you’re going to feel like total and complete shit again in your life. Although, I’m quite certain that I will. Maybe even worse. Probably worse, actually. And all I can do is train for it. I guess that’s what’s happening now.

I get these daily “Notes from The Universe” emails. They are quite nice. A good way to start each day for sure. But one of them said just that. “There is nothing that happens to you that you weren’t ready for” or something like that. It was a while ago. Any way, I suppose that’s true.

The reason I am writing this now is because I really want to remember this feeling. I had a really wonderful couple of days with someone who, if my basket full of eggs had panned out, I wouldn’t even know. And I feel really lucky to know this person so I guess I’m kind of glad some of the pieces that made up Manisha of 2014 had been shattered. I feel like that needed to happen because it allows new pieces to come in. Ones you didn’t even know you wanted. And I feel very happy. And I want to remember this. Because I know that insecurity will eventually set in and I’ll feel forgotten. My biggest fear. Forgotten and replaced.

I’ve always struggled with out of sight, out of mind but this is the first time that I really feel like I shouldn’t and I can’t help it and I feel like I’m destroying it when I’m far away from it with my lack of confidence. And I know why this is happening. Because last year, I was replaced when I was promised that I never would be. And I feel like a fucking fool.  I feel so dumb to have trusted that. And I know it’s not my fault but it really has fucked me up. And now, I’m so afraid of that again, that I have lost sight of who I am and why I do deserve to be happy. And that’s why I need to remember this. Remember that the last two days were wonderful. That I felt really connected to someone very special and they think I’m special too. I don’t know why that’s so hard for me to believe. That this person could like me so much. But I guess they do and I need to stop being so crazy.

This moment is good. The last two days were great. I had so much fun. And there was a time that I felt like couldn’t have this again. This last one really broke me down. To a place I had never been before. It was true, true heartbreak. Mostly because I felt so betrayed. The most betrayed I think I ever have. And because of that, I was able to meet someone really awesome. AND! This person gets the version of myself that worked through hard pain. It’s a version that felt so much defeat but kept going. That wanted to go to sleep and never wake up but always did. I was brave. You really never know the strength you have until you have no choice but to face it. (I Know, preachy again, I’m sorry.) But this person gets the person that overcame this! And a lot more, too! And it’s a version I’m proud of. I like this version a lot actually. And I could never say that about myself before. And this is the feeling I need to hold onto. The reward of pushing passed the shit. And moving forward, and I know it’s going to be rough at times, but I have to remind myself that everything is good. This weekend was the reassurance I needed to see and I’m really glad I did. Not just for the romance. But because it reminded me that last year sucked dick but I really learned to make myself happy. And I can’t ever lose that.

And that’s why I’m here. And why I can’t let another year go by until I write again. And even though I always say that, and I always fall off the wagon and I get lazy, I NEED to at least write my blog. Even if it’s only for 5 minutes. Ok?

Good. I welcome myself back.

Stuck?

This isn’t going to be another attempt to try and pretend I’m motivating myself to do something good for myself and my creativity. I tell myself that it’s going to be different and I’m going to give my writing, painting, and creating a new dedication no matter how tired I am or even if I just don’t feel like it. But I really don’t know why I haven’t written in a while. I have thought about it. I guess I haven’t really had anything to write about but that also seems like kind of a lame excuse.

I would love to write for a blog or website and actually make a living from it. But it is so damn hard to have dreams sometimes. Settling isn’t so bad. I mean, I’m still in the entertainment business and I do love the job and the perks and couldn’t ask for better co-workers, with a few exceptions. I have fun and I don’t mind going into work. But I do lack a drive. I don’t have a passion for it. I think it’s interesting. There is no doubt about that, but I definitely don’t think what I’m doing is beneficial or super special I guess. But as much as I would love to be making a more than decent living off writing, and this is not be me discouraged or making an excuse, I just don’t do it for that reason. And I think that I want to continue to love writing. I want to continue to let it be my escape for when I need one. It’s like moving to Hawaii. It’s beautiful, it’s a nice get away, and when you’re there you never want to leave. But you can’t live in paradise. Then it just becomes normal and routine and all of a sudden you’d rather be anywhere else.

You should absolutely love what you do. But I think that you can and it doesn’t mean it has to be your profession. I love to write. It makes me feel good and it makes me feel proud. I don’t think I will ever stop. Do I need to dedicate more time to it? Yes. But is it okay that I am not seeking to have it be my source of income? I think so.

It is wonderful that people pursue their dreams and have such a drive for it that it’s literally how they want to spend a majority of their time. I respect and admire those people. I am even more envious when people reach those dreams and whatever their passion is what supports them and their loved ones. That’s amazing. But that’s just not how I feel. And if I do pursue writing, I’d be forcing the passion. I think people can be talented in so many ways but whatever they are talented in, doesn’t have to their career.

I have many passions. I have many things that I want to make more time for. I have been reading more and I am really glad about that. That’s a goal I had for myself and also thought that it would encourage me to want to write more. The important thing is making time for myself to do the things that I enjoy. I can never be too tired or not have enough time for doing things that make me happy. And sometimes that alone is hard so I try my best to be more conscious of it and that I am willing to put work in.

Writing and painting are things that make me happy and take me away to another world when I need a break from the real one. But I need to do it for myself only. There is a difference between settling and feeling comfortable with being comfortable. There are days where my job is stressful and I wish I had a different one, but I would even have those days with writing. You just need to shake things up from time to time. And that is where I am glad that I have writing and my other hobbies to help me be different versions of myself when I need to.

No One is Forgotten

 

“I always get forgotten!”- Friend

Ever since I got a full-time job, I’ve felt so disconnected from my group of friends. We used to do everything together. And they still did, but I was on a curfew so I got left out a lot. It would really hurt my feelings. I would have a breakdown about it to Nels at least once a month. He would remind me that it was just a part of growing up and that sooner or later, we all have to face that we don’t have the time we used to and that things do change. I didn’t want to believe it. I don’t know what I thought to be honest. Most times I felt it was personal and I would be very sad that I so often was on the forgotten list. Deep down I know that wasn’t the case but I couldn’t help but be angry that everyone was hanging out without me and I didn’t even get an invite– even if I wasn’t able to attend. I would get mad and say “Hey! Why don’t you call me any more??” and then it was Matt who said to me “You are the one that’s always busy”…

It’s true. My work life really took over and I realized that no one was on my page. Everyone is busy and doing their own things that matter to them but I was on a certain schedule. I work five days a week, 10 hours a day and a lot of time have after work events that I have to attend for networking purposes. I was the one who was busy. It wasn’t so much that everyone was hanging out withOUT me– it was that I was the one living a life without them. And now, a lot of them are starting full-time jobs themselves or are in serious relationships that take up their time or both! Everything is changing but even though I felt alone, I clearly haven’t been because several friends of mine have talked to me about how disconnected they feel themselves. It was such a relief!

We are all growing up and we are chasing after our dreams and we don’t hang out like we used to. Most of us have early mornings and late nights and it’s hard to find that in between time to go to the park and lay around for a while. I miss that a lot. The laying around on a sunny afternoon and figuring out how we were all going to spend our evening. There was never any pressure on what we were going to do or what time because we all had the same schedule. Now, we’re spread all over the city, leading different lives but all trying to figure out how to fit each other in and I realize now that each of us feel forgotten and it’s not that everyone is hanging out with us but none of us are hanging out with each other.

Nels is right– things do change as we grow up. Instead of accepting that, we all jump to the conclusion of being forgotten when we’re merely just moving forward with our lives. At least we all make a conscious effort to get together when we can and the beauty of all of us being full-time worker-bees is that it now gives us the opportunity to chat it up online. It makes me feel involved in lives that I had thought moved on without me. I think I take the most comfort in knowing that with all the change, really good friends still stay on the same page.

I just need to write

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at typewriter and bleed.”
― Ernest Hemingway

I don’t know how I am continuously finding myself in this cycle I call a “rut.” I have so much to say but I don’t. Mainly because I think I put too much pressure on myself to constantly create something beautiful. I compare myself to others around me who are so talented and creative and I wish that I was like them. I get jealous and insecure and I tell myself that I am going to do it! I’m going to sit and write and have something to be proud of. But.. where to start…

I seem to go through this every couple months where I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and know that I’m not doing what I should. I want to write. I know this. I’ve known it. But I’m not doing it. I don’t want to be one of those people that get stuck at a company because of security and complain about never having the time do what they are passionate about. I’m tired of making excuses on why I don’t pursue them. Sure, I’m exhausted after a long day (and long commute), but that’s no excuse.  Yes, when I get home I just want to unwind but what better way to unwind then sit down with my trustee digital notebook and share my thoughts. Absolutely the last thing I want to do is look at a computer after being on one for 10 hours, but I need to. For my health. For my sanity. For my identity.

I look at my higher ups who are wonderful human beings but I can see that they struggle with their personal life, or lack of one. They miss time with their children, spouses, friends, family. Their life seems to slip away by hands of a clock and a time stamp. I refuse that to be me (no offense). Hard work pays off and it can be so rewarding when you are doing what you were meant to do and most of all what you love to do. And although I am really lucky with the job I have and have met so many wonderful people because of it, I owe it to myself to do more.

I must do this. I must maintain. Hold me to it, imaginary readers. Hold me to these promises that I make to myself because those are the ones that hurt the most when broken. I am only letting myself down by not opening myself up to a world that I deserve by not following my passions. I am doing this.

Tomorrow is a new day and a better day and I will return but not only that, I will write. Even if I only writing about writing.

All the day could offer me
Was the sense that you’d forgotten me

Quarter of a Century

Sunday is my 25th birthday. I am a birthday fanatic. I love to make all people feel special and loved and don’t expect them to have to lift a finger because it’s the one day where whatever they say, goes. I am also the birthday bitch myself. I like to celebrate birthdays that last all weekend and even a week-long birthday one year! I’m always crazy excited and everyone always comes because I have fabulous friends who I am equally there for.

This year is supposed to be exceptionally great because of the best addition to my life that my past birthdays have lacked– Nels. He’s the most thoughtful, loving, and amazing boyfriend in the world and this is technically the second birthday he is spending with me but we had only been dating for 2 weeks at the time so we’re counting it as the first. I know he has many tricks up his sleeve that I cannot WAIT to find out about and I know he is dying to tell me. Up until yesterday, I couldn’t wait.

Yesterday was an incredibly emotional day for me. Most of today has been the same. Nels and I bumped heads most of last night because he thinks I’m asking for too much and maybe I am, but I for some reason won’t let it go that I am being needy.

My father loved birthdays as well. He always made big deals, took us on huge trips, anything we wanted was ours. He took all my friends to the beach and paid for everyone to go to the Pier one year. For my 16th I had a huge backyard party with a band. We always went to the cheesecake factory for dinner (which is my favorite) and I always got amazing, thoughtful gifts. My dad and I were side-kicks to each other. He passed away almost 7 years ago (On new years this year) and I’ve always been kind of a rock about it. Even though I cry over spilled-milk, this is the kind of stuff that is too heavy for me. I’ve never spoken out about it for that reason and have no idea why it’s hitting me so hard the last couple of days.

My life has changed so much in the last year. I graduated from college and then I got an amazing job that I absolutely love and am really starting my career. I found the love of my life who I think my father would really love as well for his passion for music and movies. I bought my first car, am paying all my bills, and I’d like to think he’d be really proud of me. I’ve really missed him the last few days. I wonder if he is off somewhere where he has good seats to the show that is my life.

My father adored me. He praised me at every opportunity, bragged about me, showed me off. He swore I would win him an Oscar one day and I still haven’t given up on that. I would get all C’s except for an A in soccer and it would go up on the refrigerator. I wonder what he would think of all my accomplishments now. He was a really cool dad. Very supportive and funny and sweet. I’ve cried a lot the last few days and Nels said something that finally made me stop. “Your dad wouldn’t want to see you crying on your birthday weekend.”

My father passed away on New Years Eve in 2005 going into 2006. We were in India which I was absolutely miserable about. I hate India, and I hated it even more after the way they treated my father after his heart attack but I don’t want to get into that. Anyway, we were sitting in a restaurant when I started to tear up because I just wanted to go home. My dad, being the super-hero he is, immediately tried to do things to make me feel better. He looks at my mom and says “I never want to see tears in my daughters eyes” and something about what Nels said reminded me of this.

My dad was a wonderful man who is missed every single day. And though I haven’t talked much about it, cried much about it, or faced it much at all…. I think about him every day. I wish I was nicer to him. I wish I wouldn’t have been such a stupid teenager when I had him in my life. I wish he could see and know me now…

Here’s to 25.

Frienemies

Do you have those friends who you absolutely love and you absolute can’t stand all at the same time?

I’ve been bumping heads with a close friend of mine lately more than usual. We already have this brother/sister I love you, I hate you relationship. But lately, he’s been getting under my skin more than usual and I think he would say the same. I don’t think that it’s me being sensitive either or that he is being any more of a dick than he normally is; I think that we go through these periods where we just can’t get along no matter what.

We are going on a trip together soon and I just don’t want to be fighting with him when we go. He can get so testy and impulsive when he’s testy and even though I don’t think he’d bail on me, I get scared that he might. But I’ve been feeling a little attacked by him lately.

Now, I can take a joke. I hang out with a majority of guy friends and they all tend to pick on me the most because of the fact that I can take a joke. I can admit that I can be a little high-strung, but I need to have a plan and they don’t want to do any of the work. Maybe I could take a lesson from them about “going with the flow” or they can take a lesson from me about “being considerate to other people’s feelings and schedules.”

What’s worse, is that everytime I do end up standing up for myself or calling them out, I always end up feeling guilty that they might be mad at me? Why do I do that? Is it my low self-esteem? Or that I just hate confrontation so much that when I initiate it I end up feeling so outside of myself and awkward I need to retract everything before it eats me alive? So for example, I asked him what his problem was and he said he wasn’t trying to be mean and now I feel guilty and am asking if he’s upset and I still haven’t received a response. I mean, we’ve been friends forever and have fought about everything imaginable, but I don’t even know. He just bugs me and I bug him and I’m not sure why we are as close as we are but I kinda fucking love that idiot and I wish he’d stop being a meany-pants from time to time!

Relationships of all kind are too stressful for me.

Note: He wrote back. He’s not mad. Just a dumb-dumb.