Frienemies

by yamanisha

Do you have those friends who you absolutely love and you absolute can’t stand all at the same time?

I’ve been bumping heads with a close friend of mine lately more than usual. We already have this brother/sister I love you, I hate you relationship. But lately, he’s been getting under my skin more than usual and I think he would say the same. I don’t think that it’s me being sensitive either or that he is being any more of a dick than he normally is; I think that we go through these periods where we just can’t get along no matter what.

We are going on a trip together soon and I just don’t want to be fighting with him when we go. He can get so testy and impulsive when he’s testy and even though I don’t think he’d bail on me, I get scared that he might. But I’ve been feeling a little attacked by him lately.

Now, I can take a joke. I hang out with a majority of guy friends and they all tend to pick on me the most because of the fact that I can take a joke. I can admit that I can be a little high-strung, but I need to have a plan and they don’t want to do any of the work. Maybe I could take a lesson from them about “going with the flow” or they can take a lesson from me about “being considerate to other people’s feelings and schedules.”

What’s worse, is that everytime I do end up standing up for myself or calling them out, I always end up feeling guilty that they might be mad at me? Why do I do that? Is it my low self-esteem? Or that I just hate confrontation so much that when I initiate it I end up feeling so outside of myself and awkward I need to retract everything before it eats me alive? So for example, I asked him what his problem was and he said he wasn’t trying to be mean and now I feel guilty and am asking if he’s upset and I still haven’t received a response. I mean, we’ve been friends forever and have fought about everything imaginable, but I don’t even know. He just bugs me and I bug him and I’m not sure why we are as close as we are but I kinda fucking love that idiot and I wish he’d stop being a meany-pants from time to time!

Relationships of all kind are too stressful for me.

Note: He wrote back. He’s not mad. Just a dumb-dumb.