Quarter of a Century

by yamanisha

Sunday is my 25th birthday. I am a birthday fanatic. I love to make all people feel special and loved and don’t expect them to have to lift a finger because it’s the one day where whatever they say, goes. I am also the birthday bitch myself. I like to celebrate birthdays that last all weekend and even a week-long birthday one year! I’m always crazy excited and everyone always comes because I have fabulous friends who I am equally there for.

This year is supposed to be exceptionally great because of the best addition to my life that my past birthdays have lacked– Nels. He’s the most thoughtful, loving, and amazing boyfriend in the world and this is technically the second birthday he is spending with me but we had only been dating for 2 weeks at the time so we’re counting it as the first. I know he has many tricks up his sleeve that I cannot WAIT to find out about and I know he is dying to tell me. Up until yesterday, I couldn’t wait.

Yesterday was an incredibly emotional day for me. Most of today has been the same. Nels and I bumped heads most of last night because he thinks I’m asking for too much and maybe I am, but I for some reason won’t let it go that I am being needy.

My father loved birthdays as well. He always made big deals, took us on huge trips, anything we wanted was ours. He took all my friends to the beach and paid for everyone to go to the Pier one year. For my 16th I had a huge backyard party with a band. We always went to the cheesecake factory for dinner (which is my favorite) and I always got amazing, thoughtful gifts. My dad and I were side-kicks to each other. He passed away almost 7 years ago (On new years this year) and I’ve always been kind of a rock about it. Even though I cry over spilled-milk, this is the kind of stuff that is too heavy for me. I’ve never spoken out about it for that reason and have no idea why it’s hitting me so hard the last couple of days.

My life has changed so much in the last year. I graduated from college and then I got an amazing job that I absolutely love and am really starting my career. I found the love of my life who I think my father would really love as well for his passion for music and movies. I bought my first car, am paying all my bills, and I’d like to think he’d be really proud of me. I’ve really missed him the last few days. I wonder if he is off somewhere where he has good seats to the show that is my life.

My father adored me. He praised me at every opportunity, bragged about me, showed me off. He swore I would win him an Oscar one day and I still haven’t given up on that. I would get all C’s except for an A in soccer and it would go up on the refrigerator. I wonder what he would think of all my accomplishments now. He was a really cool dad. Very supportive and funny and sweet. I’ve cried a lot the last few days and Nels said something that finally made me stop. “Your dad wouldn’t want to see you crying on your birthday weekend.”

My father passed away on New Years Eve in 2005 going into 2006. We were in India which I was absolutely miserable about. I hate India, and I hated it even more after the way they treated my father after his heart attack but I don’t want to get into that. Anyway, we were sitting in a restaurant when I started to tear up because I just wanted to go home. My dad, being the super-hero he is, immediately tried to do things to make me feel better. He looks at my mom and says “I never want to see tears in my daughters eyes” and something about what Nels said reminded me of this.

My dad was a wonderful man who is missed every single day. And though I haven’t talked much about it, cried much about it, or faced it much at all…. I think about him every day. I wish I was nicer to him. I wish I wouldn’t have been such a stupid teenager when I had him in my life. I wish he could see and know me now…

Here’s to 25.