I just need to write

by yamanisha

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at typewriter and bleed.”
― Ernest Hemingway

I don’t know how I am continuously finding myself in this cycle I call a “rut.” I have so much to say but I don’t. Mainly because I think I put too much pressure on myself to constantly create something beautiful. I compare myself to others around me who are so talented and creative and I wish that I was like them. I get jealous and insecure and I tell myself that I am going to do it! I’m going to sit and write and have something to be proud of. But.. where to start…

I seem to go through this every couple months where I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and know that I’m not doing what I should. I want to write. I know this. I’ve known it. But I’m not doing it. I don’t want to be one of those people that get stuck at a company because of security and complain about never having the time do what they are passionate about. I’m tired of making excuses on why I don’t pursue them. Sure, I’m exhausted after a long day (and long commute), but that’s no excuse.  Yes, when I get home I just want to unwind but what better way to unwind then sit down with my trustee digital notebook and share my thoughts. Absolutely the last thing I want to do is look at a computer after being on one for 10 hours, but I need to. For my health. For my sanity. For my identity.

I look at my higher ups who are wonderful human beings but I can see that they struggle with their personal life, or lack of one. They miss time with their children, spouses, friends, family. Their life seems to slip away by hands of a clock and a time stamp. I refuse that to be me (no offense). Hard work pays off and it can be so rewarding when you are doing what you were meant to do and most of all what you love to do. And although I am really lucky with the job I have and have met so many wonderful people because of it, I owe it to myself to do more.

I must do this. I must maintain. Hold me to it, imaginary readers. Hold me to these promises that I make to myself because those are the ones that hurt the most when broken. I am only letting myself down by not opening myself up to a world that I deserve by not following my passions. I am doing this.

Tomorrow is a new day and a better day and I will return but not only that, I will write. Even if I only writing about writing.